“In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God”
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” (Psalm 40:1-2)
Having faith in God will not exclude a believer from experiencing moments of darkness. Jesus reminded His followers, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (James 16:33)
My darkest moment came when I was in my mid-twenties. For years, I had lived with one foot in the world and one foot in my faith. I was living much like the person James warned about in James 1:6, “he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” Although I believed in a God who loved me, I had no foundation; I had no true relationship with Him. I was still easily swayed by the empty promises of the world.
I attended a bachelorette weekend in Charleston one summer with several girlfriends. I was not in a good place, mentally or emotionally. I was becoming disillusioned with partying and did not want to celebrate my friend’s upcoming wedding the way in which we were celebrating, although I attended for her sake. I was dissatisfied and overwhelmed with my job at the time. I was coming out of a long-distance relationship; I was dating someone new, but I already knew it would not lead to anything serious.
I had assumed that by my mid-twenties, I would be living the life that many of my friends were living at that time: happily engaged or married, buying a home together and setting up house, content with a fulfilling career, and spending free time with other married friends. Being married was my heart’s greatest desire. I had attended church off and on for several years but was not consistent. Various small groups and women’s Bible studies were offered, but I had held out joining, hoping instead that I would get to attend a couples’ Bible study with a future fiancé.
During the weekend of that bachelorette party, after a night of staying out late and sleeping most of the next day, our group went to an early dinner before another night of partying. I was confused, exhausted, and unsatisfied. Never a good combination, even by Biblical standards. 1 Kings 19 tells the story of the prophet Elijah being cared for by an angel when he was physically and emotionally weak; he desperately needed uninterrupted rest and something to nourish him.
I excused myself from the table claiming I felt unwell, and went to the ladies’ room of the restaurant. I needed a few moments of quiet time. Pre-dinner rush, the bathroom was blessedly empty. I sat down in one of the stalls and began to weep.
I remember feeling a darkness and a heaviness I had never experienced before. I had led a great childhood filled with wonderful memories. I was raised by two parents who loved me and provided me many opportunities. I had wonderful and various circles of friends. But something was still missing. And what I had longed for the most in life – someone special to love me – had not yet happened for me.
I remember quietly praying on the floor of that bathroom stall. “God, I know I have not been the best believer. I only cry out to You when I need something. But I really need to hear from You right now. I need to know You have not forgotten about me.”
I was in a secular setting far from home. I was not expecting a physical person to bust through the bathroom door telling me everything would be alright, although God could have made that happen.
Instead, all got quiet, except for the next song that began to play over the speakers of the restaurant.
The song that played was “Light in Your Eyes” by Sheryl Crow.
Now, I still do not know if Sheryl Crow wrote this song about God or about a person. But what I do know was that in my sadness and grief, I listened to those lyrics, and knew that God was playing that song for me. There was no coincidence in my mind.
“You gotta talk to the one who made you
Talk to the one who understands
Talk to the one who gave you
All the light in your eyes“
I sat and listened to the song in its entirety as tears streamed down my face. Sheryl Crow was one of my favorite artists of that time, but I had never heard this song of hers before. I thanked God for that nugget of hope and remembrance, wiped my tears, straightened myself out, and returned to my table of friends.
The time that followed did not bring immediate transformation, although I did begin talking to God and attending church more often. I still made choices that brought about confusion and grief. I changed careers and I changed boyfriends, several times no less. But I never forgot that moment on the bathroom floor. When life ushered in another wave of uncertainty or turmoil, I would recite the chorus of the song in my head, and I would talk to God.
Eventually, I fully gave my heart to Jesus. No more one foot in the world and one foot in my faith; a life devoted to Christ requires one to be all-in. Then, I abandoned casual dating for several years; the next man I seriously dated was my now-husband. I believe I had to fully embrace Proverbs 3:5-6 before I could enter a healthy marriage relationship: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” God wanted to be first in my life.
This is my personal journey from darkness to light. Everyone’s story will unfold differently. And although most of us will experience dark moments in life, this is not meant to admonish what those who experience chronic or clinical depression go through.
For those of us going through seasons of hopelessness or exhaustion, for those of us whose choices have led us down winding and unknown paths, may we consider that God can use even the secular things of this world to remind us that He’s there. That He sees our pain and sorrow. That He still very much cares.
And that He longs for us to talk to the One who made us.
“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)