In 2023, Forbes Advisor surveyed 1,000 individuals going through a divorce, and conflict among extended families was listed among the top seven reasons for marital deterioration. “Family relationships can be a source of conflict in a marriage when differing expectations or dynamics come into play. Disagreements with in-laws, discussions about holiday plans and other gatherings, or different values, beliefs, or traditions among each partner’s family can lead to arguments and resentment.”
This statistic is sadly unsurprising to me. In the particular field of marketing in which I work, I often come across desperate pleas from married women asking for advice on how to deal with challenging family dynamics. Unfortunately, many of these wives do not receive support from their husbands when they feel overwhelmed by outside family pressure, stating that their husbands often side with his family on matters that are concerning to her. Likewise, I am sure in other instances, there are wives who cling too much to their family for support, neglecting the role of their husband.
The reason for this emerging divorce trend runs deep in cultural, spiritual, and emotional ways, and the statistics can affect Christians and non-Christians alike. Years ago, when I attended a large church in my hometown of Charlotte, the pastor did a wonderful sermon series on marriage. The pastor rightfully declared that throughout history, the devil has influenced the hearts and minds of people, which led to certain societal movements. The pastor believed we were living in a time when the devil was in the process of attacking and breaking down the family, which is of immense importance to God. The family unit is the building block of strong societies.
Over twenty years ago when I listened to that sermon, one of the prevalent parenting trends at that time was that mothers and fathers were focusing more attention and devotion onto their children than they were onto one another. Currently, I believe we are torn on the role that children play in our culture. Statistically speaking, birth rates in the United States have been in a steady decline. Pulled from a 2023 article in the Wall Street Journal, it is reported: “The U.S. birthrate is down sharply from 15 years ago, as women report that economic and social obstacles are causing them to have fewer children than they want. The number of babies born in the U.S. started plummeting 15 years ago and hasn’t recovered since.” On the opposite end of the spectrum, many young men and women are turning to TikTok and social media to display private parenting moments for the world to see. When documenting the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of parenthood to garner likes and followers, parenthood becomes trendy for many.
God’s design for families is vastly different than what we see displayed in the culture.
There are many young men and women who currently choose to remain single and childless, knowing that both commitments require full devotion and time – neither of which they are willing to sacrifice. And while the Bible discusses an individual remaining unmarried, it is so they can concentrate their full attention on serving God’s Kingdom. In 1 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul discusses the marriage covenant. Paul offers this advice as a concession (meaning, a preference,) but not as a command, that “I wish that all of you were as I am.” (v. 7) Meaning, Paul is able to allocate his time in service to the Lord because he chose to remain unmarried. In verses 8-9, Paul goes on to say, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
We know that God created the marriage relationship for virtuous and beneficial reasons, because “it was not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) Wanting to be married is noble for those who desire to do so for Godly reasons; the Biblical marriage relationship is an other-centered covenant in a me-centered world. Genesis 1:27-28 says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
There are many single individuals who desire to marry but rightfully do not wish to choose an incompatible partner, and therefore are patiently waiting in singlehood. While no man or woman will be the perfect spouse, the Bible does caution believers not to enter into a partnership or union with unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?“
The guidelines God has set forth for the marriage covenant are ideal, but they can feel overwhelming, even to believers. It is challenging for any of us to place our desires and our longings on hold, or to consider surrendering them completely to God. Loneliness, selfishness, doubts, and fears are real emotions that can overcome even the strongest of believers at times.
Marriage to even the most wonderful man or woman will not be without difficulties. Added to that, many husbands and wives are facing outside pressures from extended families, which is creating very real strains on their marriages.
It is important for any married individual to remember that when they joined with their spouse, they started a new family, which will be their first priority going forward. A husband and wife can continue to love and honor their parents and their extended families, through respect, through involvement, and through spending time together, while still placing one another first.
Ephesians 5: 22-33 is noted as the “Instructions for a Christian Household.” This is God’s design and intention for the foundation of the marriage relationship:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
God first.
Spouses second.
Children third.
Everyone else after.
As a Body of Christ, as in-laws, as extended family members, we have a vital role to play in the design that God created. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.”
We desire future generations of married couples to succeed in having healthy relationships and in staying committed to one another despite inevitable bumps in the road, and we desire future generations of mothers and fathers to succeed in navigating parenthood and in raising Godly children. Therefore, we must grant married couples the freedom, the opportunities, and the support – without guilt, without blame, without conditions, and without judgement – to put their needs above anyone or anything else. Just as God intended.